


i'm just curious

by soyicedcoffee



Series: i’m just curious [1]
Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, F/F, Femslash, Friends to Lovers, Genderswap, Internalized Homophobia, Jealousy, Resolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-18
Updated: 2018-02-12
Packaged: 2019-03-06 10:20:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,432
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13409190
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soyicedcoffee/pseuds/soyicedcoffee
Summary: Ryan thinks, in this moment, as Shane twirls a pen between her fingers idly, that she’s never been so viscerally irritated.





	1. Chapter 1

Ryan had always considered herself a people person. This is probably, she figures, part of the reason why she’s really hit her stride at Buzzfeed – it’s all about connections, impressions. While she’s admittedly a little bit type A when it comes to her private life – work, her apartment, working out – she’s always been pretty laid back when it comes to relationships. People don’t really annoy her, and she prides herself on being able to get along with anyone.

That’s why her relationship with her deskmate is so confusing. Something about Shane, from the moment they met on their first day as interns, has absolutely set her teeth on edge in a way she’d, up to then, been blissfully unfamiliar with.

It’s not that they don’t get along. They do, _like a house on fire,_ her mom would probably say. Their senses of humor mesh perfectly, and Ryan privately thinks that if they somehow landed a series together, their dynamic would make it a hit.

But there’s something else there, under the surface… It’s been there since they met, simmering for the last few months they’ve been working side by side.

Shane’s just so… infuriating. It’s the little things, really. Ryan thinks, in this moment, as Shane twirls a pen between her fingers idly, that she’s never been so viscerally irritated. It’s not even making any noise, but Ryan can see it out of the corner of her eye, the way Shane’s long, thin fingers deftly propel the pen around her ring finger, index finger, thumb…

“Can you quit that?” Ryan can hear the bitter annoyance in her own voice, and it’s so uncharacteristic it makes her want to scream.

Shane pulls her ear buds out, and Ryan can hear her the tinny sound of Shane’s Spotify playlist blaring from her phone – some weird indie bullshit, no doubt.

“Sorry, what?”

Ryan shakes her head, turning back to her computer. “Nothing,” she mutters. Shane’s stopped the incessant motion now, pen held loosely in her palm. She knows if Shane had heard her there was a 50/50 chance she would keep it up just to annoy her, depending on her mood. Ryan isn’t willing to take that chance – if Shane’s stupid, big hands distract her from work for another second she will absolutely freak.

“Ooookay,” Shane says with a grin, popping her ear buds back in. She doesn’t even look annoyed at the interruption. Easygoing as always, aloof as always… all the things Ryan used to be, she thinks bitterly, before Shane’s unnaturally fucking tall ass entered her life.

Shane doesn’t even have to be doing anything to get a rise out of Ryan. Just the way Shane wanders around the office, like she doesn’t have a care in the world. The way she lounges at her desk, the image of relaxation, no matter what kind of deadlines they have piled up. Shane just existing in her space is enough to get Ryan a little flustered. She’s just so _frustrating,_ in a way Ryan can’t even begin to articulate. Shane with her narrow hips, her long legs, her unnecessarily defined jaw. Her stupid button up shirts, hoodies, thick rimmed glasses. Her short hair - short like a boy’s, Ryan thinks she must go to a barber and not a salon. Her small mouth, seemingly always twisted into a smirk… _ugh._ Her stupid, stupid height – that’s what really gets to Ryan, what got to her from the moment they introduced themselves to each other.

_“I’m glad Buzzfeed’s an equal opportunity employer,” Shane’s eyebrow arched quizzically, her hand suspended in the air between them, ready to shake Ryan’s hand, “hiring people with gigantism, and all.”_

Shane had looked stricken for a second, before breaking down into shocked peals of laughter, Ryan following not far behind. They didn’t stop until they were both gasping for breath, and Ryan remembers thinking that she just wanted to make Shane laugh again, and again, and again…

Okay, Ryan isn’t a complete idiot. She maybe can begin to articulate it. Her feelings might constitute… a little bit of a crush. There, she’s said it. A stupid schoolyard crush, the kind where they both pick on each other, try to get a rise out of one another… At least that’s how it feels to Ryan. She can feel herself doing it too, teasing Shane to get a reaction, to get a little of her attention. She has no idea if Shane feels the same way… that’s part of what’s so frustrating - what really keeps Ryan up at night, staring at the ceiling. Shane’s absolutely opaque to her. One second, Ryan will think there really is something between them. Something mutual, in the way Shane’s eyes spark when they meet Ryan’s, in the way their hands brush when they reach for the same pen. She wonders if Shane’s heart skips a beat too. But the next second, in the same breath practically, Shane is pulling away, completely aloof, and they’re back to teasing in a heartbeat.


	2. Chapter 2

Shane’s the closest friend Ryan’s ever had. She doesn’t really know how it happened – they just went from bickering all day at the office, to bickering over drinks on Friday nights, to bickering over Netflix at Ryan’s apartment on weekends. Over their two years working together, the transition from coworkers to friends to best friends, living out of each other’s pockets, was completely effortless. It was almost too easy, Ryan thinks, falling into Shane. Falling into each other’s lives.

It’s not that the tension has dissipated between them – on the contrary, it’s as strong as ever. Ryan thinks, privately, that it’s part of what makes their dynamic work so well. It’s definitely part of what makes them so good together on camera. It’s their constant push and pull, constantly winding each other up and then winding each other back down again… it just works. And it’s doing wonders for her professional career, so who’s Ryan to complain?

And if Ryan still harbors some feelings towards Shane, feelings that might be described as not quite best-friendly in nature… She just tries not to think about it. And she fails, mostly. People notice, too – mostly commenters on their videos.

 

_LMAO Ryan’s so thirsty for Shane :P_

_4:36 – Ryan is literally the heart eyes emoji…._

_Find you someone who looks at you the way Ryan looks at Shane_

The comments make her blood boil – mostly because they’ve all got it right, for the most part. She sees it too, when she watches the videos back. She used to log onto her private YouTube account and hit dislike on all those stupid, astute comments, until she looked it up and discovered that ‘disliking’ a comment doesn’t really do anything. _Fuck._

The one small blessing in Ryan’s life is that Shane apparently doesn’t bother reading comments on their videos. She says she trusts Ryan to read them and tell her the funny ones.

Ryan really has tried her best to get over Shane. Because they would never, ever, ever work, for so many reasons. Ryan, in fact, has a comprehensive mental list entitled _Why Shane and I Would Never, Ever, Ever Work,_ that she recalls whenever she gets an overwhelming urge to do something ridiculously stupid. First of all, they’re totally different, in pretty much every way. Ryan’s meticulous and organized; Shane’s like a human garage sale. Seriously, Ryan had to clear out a drawer in her dresser just because Shane leaves so much shit at her apartment, and somehow never remembers to take it all with her when she leaves. Or she straight up refuses – _I’m here all the time anyway, Ry._ Ryan concedes, every single time, even though the sight of the drawer full of Shane’s stuff makes her feel like she’s losing it, sometimes.

Also on the list – Shane is out. Like, _out_ out. She spends about half her time working on Buzzfeed LGBT projects, she wears a rainbow flag pin on her jean jacket, she volunteers with an LGBT youth shelter, for fuck’s sake (when Ryan first learned that she thought her heart was going to melt right onto the floor). She’s unapologetic in a way that is so completely foreign to Ryan, it frankly scares the shit out of her. Sometimes, when they’re out for dinner, or at the mall, or on the street, Shane will get looks, comments. “ _Because I look like a dyke, Ryan,”_ Shane had said, matter-of-factly, when Ryan expressed her confusion. _Oh._ Ryan wonders if people assume they’re together – tries to ignore the warm feeling that thought gives her, deep in the pit of her stomach.

For Ryan’s part, she can hardly admit to herself that she’s anything but straight. She sometimes likes to pretend it’s just because she’s a private person, and nobody needs to know her sexuality. Her and Shane, for the most part, avoid the topics of dating and sexuality like they’re the plague - Shane seems to sense that Ryan doesn’t want to talk about it, maybe that she can’t talk about it – Shane isn’t the most tactful, but Ryan’s so grateful that she’s never pushed on this - but she can still imagine what Shane would say if she tried to explain all that to her, _That’s internalized homophobia, baby!_ Ryan scoffs at the Shane who apparently lives in her head now – _what do you know, anyway?_

It is in this effort, to get over Shane, to convince herself that her and Shane would never work, that Ryan decides to get Tinder. She hadn’t succumbed to the call of online dating – all through college, through her early 20s. Ryan was busy, with her career, mostly, and she didn’t have time to pursue a relationship. She’d had her fair share of one night stands, letting guys take her home from bars, in college mostly – ultimately not very satisfying, she found, so that petered off too. Honestly, her vibrator was more consistently satisfying, and way less of a hassle.

But now, in a desperate bid to get her shit together in re: her feelings for Shane, Ryan has agreed to go on a date with some guy from Tinder. She feels the need to tell Shane about it, it’s been on the tip of her tongue all week leading up to it – she decidedly does not examine _why_ she wants so badly to tell Shane, what kind of reaction she’s looking for, and why she can’t quite get it out. She’s pretty sure Shane won’t care – why would she?

“I’m going on a date tomorrow,” they’re sitting on Ryan’s couch, some movie playing in the background they’ve both barely been watching – as per Saturday night ritual, they’re on the last beers of a six pack Shane brought over. Shane brought her backpack too, so she can stay over on Ryan’s couch – a more recent Saturday night ritual, but Ryan low-key loves waking up to Shane making coffee in her kitchen, rummaging through her cupboards. The domesticity of it all is more intoxicating to Ryan than the beers.

“Oh?” Shane’s eyes don’t move from the screen. She takes another pull from her beer – it’s casual, but there’s something calculated in it too, Ryan thinks. Ryan doesn’t know why she’s monitoring her reaction so closely – or she wishes she didn’t know, wishes she wasn’t doing it in the first place.

“With a guy,” Shane’s eyebrow cocks at this – it’s the subtlest movement, Ryan wonders if it’s not just a muscle spasm, “from Tinder.”

Shane finally looks away from the screen at this, holding out her hand immediately, “Lemme see.”

It takes Ryan a moment to clue in to the fact that Shane wants to see the guy’s profile. She opens up Tinder, navigates to his profile, and places the phone in Shane’s waiting palm.

Shane scrolls through his pictures, holding the phone close to her squinting eyes, and Ryan can see the guy’s profile reflected in Shane’s glasses.

When she finally reacts, it’s with a sharp laugh.

“What a douche,” and it’s so dismissive, so unlike Shane. Her tone is _mean,_ in a way Ryan’s never heard from her before.

Ryan accepts the phone from Shane, looking at the guy’s profile again, expecting to see something she missed, something that might reasonably elicit Shane’s reaction, “What do you mean?”

“His name is literally Chad.”

Ryan can feel herself starting to get annoyed, “So? He can’t help his name,” she replies testily, “he seems really nice.”

Shane responds with a sharp shrug, turning pointedly back towards the TV, “Well, that’s great then. Have fun on your date.”

Ryan knows she should leave it at that – Shane’s obviously in a mood or something, but she can feel anger and hurt welling up inside her, visceral, burning her eyes and chest.

“So what, you can fuck whoever you want, but as soon as I say I’m going on a date that’s a problem?” Ryan knows it’s the wrong thing to say, that she’s revealing too much, but she can’t stop herself.

Shane falters at this, a few seconds of silence, “I… I don’t see how that’s relevant.”

But Ryan can tell, even in the dim light from the movie, that there’s a faint blush covering Shane’s cheeks. She looks a little chastised, even.

Ryan wants to scoff, wants to say, _You don’t see how it’s relevant? Really? So you can come into work with hickies all over your neck three times a month, with that fucking self satisfied smirk on your face, but as soon as I want to see somebody it’s a fucking problem? Fuck you, Shane._ She decides to take the high road though, and shut her mouth.

They turn back to the stupid movie neither of them were really watching to begin with, and fall silent. The tension is so thick between them, in a way it never has been before. It feels like a rubber band stretched between them, practically to breaking.

Shane doesn’t sleep over.                                                                                 


	3. Chapter 3

Ryan wakes up to a text from Shane.

 

_I’m sorry, Ry. I’m a dick. I really do hope you have fun on your date._

Ryan types out and deletes about ten different responses.

 

_Yeah, you are._

_I cancelled the date. Come over?_

_Do you think I should cancel?_

_I was trying to make you jealous._

_I hated eating breakfast alone this morning._

She eventually settles on,

 

_It’s okay, thanks dude._

She hopes Shane didn’t see her typing for so long before coming up with that gem.

 

\--

 

She gets dressed up in the closest thing she has to a date-worthy outfit – and she looks hot, if she does say so herself. She wonders briefly if Shane would like it, and she can’t resist snapping a picture in her full-length mirror and snapchatting it to her. Shane responds fifteen minutes later, a slightly blurry mirror picture with the caption _you clean up good, bergara. chad’s not gonna know what hit him._

Shane looks so fucking good, Ryan thinks she must be going out tonight too. Her short hair is pushed back in a way that looks effortless but Ryan has on good authority takes a lot of wax to hold in place, and she’s wearing her red flannel button up shirt with the sleeves rolled to her elbows, unbuttoned enough to show off the base of her throat, her collarbones... The picture disappears after ten second, and Ryan is left staring blankly at her screen. Shane looked… so _so_ hot; Ryan actually feels a little lightheaded, and she has to sit down on her bed for a second to recover.

She almost cancels the date right then and there. She opens up her Tinder app and clicks on the guy’s profile, scrolling through his pictures. He’s classic California hot, with light hair and tan skin, gleaming white teeth. He’s muscular but not overly so. He’s exactly the kind of person Ryan should be attracted to – the kind of person she _wants_ to be attracted to. She closes the app.

 

\--

 

So, she goes on the date. The guy is nice, just like Ryan thought, and they actually have a pretty good time. The conversation is easy, he’s handsome and charming, and they polish off a couple bottles of wine together easily. Ryan wishes she could say that she entertained, even for a second, the idea of fucking him.

But she didn’t. Because even though the date is perfectly pleasant, she can’t stop wishing she were sitting across from Shane at this stupid, romantic restaurant, wishing she’d had the courage to just be honest and take a chance instead of trying to smother her feelings.

It’s the snapchat that really did it, Ryan thinks. It’s like that stupidly sexy mirror selfie is burned into her retinas, and every time she glances away from Chad it pops up, unbidden, in her brain. Shane’s dumb smirk, her long fingers gripping her phone, the leather watch clasped around her wrist, her fucking forearms… _Jesus, Bergara, get a grip._

Ryan feels bad for wasting this guy’s time – it’s becoming clearer by the second how true that is - and when he insists on paying she blurts out, “I’m not going home with you,” right in front of the waiter, who actually lets out a scandalized gasp at Ryan’s outburst. Ryan wants to smack herself sometimes. Wine tipsy Ryan truly has no filter.

The guy just laughs, “I know,” and hands the waiter his credit card, “there’s someone else, right?”

She must look shocked, and she can feel herself blushing hot, “You’re really easy to read,” he explains.

She buries her face in her hands, she doesn’t think she’s ever been so embarrassed. “God, I know. I’m sorry,” she mumbles, and he just laughs.

She gets an Uber back to her apartment, and she’s texting Shane before she’s even home.

 

_Come over?_

 

Shane’s response is nearly instantaneous.

 

_Yeah_

_15_

 

\--

 

Ryan gets in the door of her apartment ten minutes later. She kicks off her heels, chugs a glass of water, and resorts to nervously pacing the living room. She’s trying not to go into crisis mode, but the realization that she has no plan, has absolutely no idea what she’s doing, hits her like a ton of bricks.

Texting Shane from the car felt like pretty much the only logical next step after totally blowing off her date for her. But now, thinking about it in the quiet of her apartment, it gets Ryan a little annoyed, and she feels something close to anger boiling under her skin. Of course Shane can fuck up all her plans with one stupid, blurry picture.

She’s in the midst of the internal struggle between whether she’s going to slap Shane or kiss her when she hears the knock on the door. She flings it open with the plan to do something drastic, but as soon as she sees Shane standing there, flushed, wide eyed, twirling her car keys around her finger nervously… she loses her nerve.

“Hey.”

“Hey, what’s up? Is everything okay?” Shane asks breathlessly, and she sounds as flustered as Ryan feels.

“Yeah, yeah, everything’s fine. Why?” Ryan ushers Shane into her apartment, shutting and locking the door behind her.

“Well, I just… you were on that date, and asked me to come over. I just didn’t know…” Shane trails off for a second, concern shining in her eyes, “I just- did something happen?”

Ryan rolls her eyes, “No, he was actually really nice. It was good.”

Shane deflates at this, looking down at her shoes and nodding, “Oh, good. That’s great.”

An awkward silence stretches between them, Shane staring at the floor, Ryan staring at Shane. She doesn’t think she’s ever seen Shane so strangely earnest, almost bashful.

“Where were you? When I texted?” Shane’s hair is mussed, and she’s not looking quite as put together as she did in the snapchat she sent, but she’s clearly not drunk, judging by the car keys in her hand.

“Uh, I was out with Finn. Wingmanning. And DDing, obviously,” she says with an uncharacteristically nervous laugh, twirling the car keys again. Ryan’s always thought that was Shane’s worst habit, the repetitive twirling of keys, pens, whatever she has on hand… but in this moment it’s just mesmerizing. _Those hands, jesus._

The silence must stretch on longer than Ryan realizes, with Ryan just staring, because Shane starts talking again, “I wanted to say in person, I’m really sorry about last night,” Shane runs a hand through her hair, mussing it even more, “I was just…” she swallows, “I was jealous, kind of, I think. I’m used to having all your attention, and- Well, I’m just glad that your date went well. You deserve that, and I…”

Shane’s trailed off again, but this time it’s because Ryan’s taken a step towards her. Shane’s eyebrows knit together in confusion, because Ryan’s in her space now. She can see the faint freckles on Shane’s nose, the rise and fall of her chest under her plaid shirt. Their height difference is pronounced from this angle, and Ryan’s looking up at Shane through her eyelashes.

“It’s okay,” Ryan’s eyes dart from Shane’s eyes, to her mouth, and back again. She knows she’s being obvious, and she knows that if this goes poorly she probably won’t survive it with her dignity intact, “I was trying to make you jealous,” she breathes out.

“You were trying to make me jealous,” it’s more of a statement than a question, but Ryan nods anyway, licking her lips. Understanding is dawning on Shane’s face, and Ryan can see her amber eyes darken, following the movement of her tongue.

When Shane finally closes the space between them and kisses her, it’s chaste, close mouthed, but Ryan lets out a gasp, sharp in the silence of her apartment. The kiss is tentative, teasing, and it’s the best thing Ryan has ever experienced, hands down. Shane’s hand has migrated to Ryan’s hip, and she squeezes lightly as she pulls away.

“Do you want this?” Shane’s voice is low, and her eyes are dark and heavy lidded. All Ryan can do is nod again, words escaping her as her mind runs wild with what _this_ might entail. This time Ryan’s the one that leans in, pulling Shane down with a hand on the back of her neck. This kiss is desperate, intense, and when Ryan licks into Shane’s mouth she hears the clatter of Shane’s keys dropping from her hand onto the hardwood floor. It gives Ryan a rush of satisfaction, and she thinks it’s the best sound she’s ever heard. That is, until Ryan nips at Shane’s lip, causing her to groan into the kiss- _okay, new best sound_.

Shane’s newly free hand finds its way into Ryan’s hair, her fingers curling around the back of Ryan’s neck, deepening the kiss further. Ryan’s pressed back against the door, and the kiss has developed into this fervent, messy thing, their bodies pressed together tightly. Ryan’s hot and tingly all over. She’s never been so worked up over a kiss before, and Shane’s big hand is stroking slowly up and down her side over her dress, squeezing periodically at her hip and waist.

When they pull away this time they’re both breathing heavily, and Shane keeps their foreheads pressed together as they catch their breath. When she speaks, her voice is gravelly and deep, vibrating through Ryan’s chest.

“This fucking dress, did you wear this for him?” Shane ducks down, mouth to Ryan’s throat, and bites down gently, sucking at her pulse point. Ryan moans, head smacking back against the wood of the door. Shane pulls her mouth away, straightening back to her full height.

“Answer me, Ryan,” the command intensifies the heat pooling between her legs, and she feels like she’s fucking unraveling, completely wrecked when they’ve barely even started. Ryan shakes her head.

“No, Shane, it’s for you. It’s always for you,” when she realizes what she’s said she momentarily panics – _too much, too soon, she’s gonna pull away –_ but Shane’s pupils are blown wide, and her fingers tighten minutely on the nape of Ryan’s neck.

“Jesus _fuck_ , Ry,” she hisses, “you’re gonna be the death of me, you know,” Shane leans down again, nips at Ryan’s bottom lip, and Ryan _whines._ It would be deeply embarrassing if she weren’t so turned on – and if Shane didn’t react the way she does, smiling widely against Ryan’s mouth.

“Shane, can we-“ She looks into Shane’s eyes pleadingly, hoping Shane will get what she wants- because despite her bold moves she’s feeling shy all of a sudden, wanting more but not knowing what to say.

Shane kisses her again, quick and unbearably soft, “Do you want me to take you to bed, baby?”

The phrasing is so _Shane,_ a little awkward, a little antiquated, but it works coming from her, the way she delivers it with just enough bravado, just enough sweetness and sincerity. It makes Ryan’s knees weak, and she blushes even harder, nodding into Shane’s chest.

When they get to Ryan’s room, she immediately pulls her dress off and throws it on the floor. She’s self-conscious for a second, but Shane’s eyes are raking over her body with such blatant appreciation that she pushes it back easily.

“Come here,” Shane’s leaning against Ryan’s chest of drawers, and when Ryan approaches Shane pats her hand on the surface, eyebrows raised expectantly. It takes Ryan a second to figure out what she wants her to do. _Oh._ She easily lifts herself so she’s sitting on top.

“Now you’re at a better height,” Shane grins, and Ryan can’t help but huff out a laugh.

“Fuck off,” she giggles, but when Shane leans in and kisses her again Ryan realizes that she’s right, the height works, and she can now wrap her legs around Shane’s hips and pull her in close.

The feeling of Shane’s jeans through her panties makes her groan into Shane’s mouth, and Shane’s hands are _everywhere,_ up and down her sides, grabbing at her thighs, stroking a thumb under her bra and brushing her nipple. Not really where she wants, though.

“Shane, please,” she thinks, knowing Shane, that she’ll have to beg more, but Shane’s hand is where she wants it in a second, stroking her over her panties.

“Oh my god, Ryan,” Shane groans, “You’re so fucking wet for me, aren’t you baby?”

Heat shoots through her body, and she practically comes right then. She lifts her ass off the table so Shane can slip her soaked underwear off, and she unclasps her bra too, throwing it somewhere in the direction of her laundry basket.

“You’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen,” Shane’s pulled back to look at Ryan, hands resting on her thighs. She says it so sincerely that Ryan wants to cry.

“So are you,” Ryan replies, and Shane looks taken aback suddenly, a flush on her cheeks, down her chest, and she’s looking away nervously, “I’m serious. I’ve wanted you so bad Shane, ever since we met. I’ve never wanted anyone more.”

Shane surges in and kisses her again, and although Ryan suspects she does it to shut her up, she allows it, wrapping her arms around Shane’s neck. Shane’s still fully clothed, but Ryan actually likes it, the rough slide of her flannel shirt against her chest, the denim of her pants brushing against her clit.

They’re kissing deeply, tongues curling together, when Shane snakes a hand between them and slips a finger into Ryan, curling it just right to make Ryan jolt against her. Her fingers feel even better than Ryan thought they would. She does it again and again, until Ryan’s panting against her mouth, whining low in her throat.

“Shane, Shane, god, fuck,” Shane maneuvers her thumb so it’s rubbing hard against Ryan’s clit, and it’s over in seconds, Ryan jolting hard and coming with a groan, clenching around Shane’s fingers. Shane kisses her through it, keeps rubbing her until Ryan swats at her hand, oversensitive.

“That was quick,” Shane teases, but her actions belie her words as she kisses Ryan’s cheek, her forehead, the side of her mouth.

“Well, it’s not my fault you’re so fucking dexterous,” Ryan pants out, chest still heaving, and Shane bursts into fond laughter.

 

                                                                                                                     

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯  
> this was a lot of fun to write.  
> this will probably have one more chapter that's just a direct continuation of this smut, lol. this just got kind of long.  
> ps. your comments and kudos validate my existence and i'm so grateful for y'all!!!!! so thanks!!!


	4. Chapter 4

Shane holds her as she helps her hop down off her dresser. Her legs are shaky still, and she nearly stumbles, but Shane’s hands on her hips keep her steady. Shane leans down to kiss her again, slow and deep and sweet. She’s still blissed out from her orgasm when she reaches up to start on the buttons of Shane’s shirt, movements clumsy but determined. Shane huffs out a quiet laugh against Ryan’s mouth and takes over, making quick work of the buttons and shrugging off the shirt, and Ryan watches with heavy lidded eyes as Shane proceeds to pull her black sports bra off over her head, dropping it to the floor.

Ryan’s never been shy with her body, and she knows Shane’s seen her in various states of undress before tonight – getting out of the shower, changing for a video at work, pulling off a sweaty t-shirt after a jog. Shane, on the other hand, has always been more reserved with her body, despite her generally confident attitude, and it strikes Ryan that this is the first time she’s seen Shane less than fully dressed. Ryan’s staring unabashedly as Shane undoes her belt, pulls off her skinny jeans and socks, and is left standing there in a pair of tight black boxer briefs that make Ryan’s breath catch.

She’s so tall and lanky, all angles juxtaposed against the slight swell of her breasts, the slope of her hips. She should look awkward, Ryan thinks, but she looks so much like all of Ryan’s fantasies come to life that it makes her head spin. She’s back on Shane in a second, leading her a few steps until her knees are hitting Ryan’s mattress, and when Shane sits Ryan follows her onto the bed, straddling her lap. Looking at Shane this close the flush in her cheeks and neck is obvious, and her hair is messy from when she pulled off her bra, and probably from Ryan’s hands too. It’s so sweet Ryan can’t stop herself from reaching up and running her fingers through Shane’s short hair, smoothing it a little, and Shane just gazes up at her, eyes dark and soft. The moment is so intimate in the dim quiet of Ryan’s bedroom, she can feel her heart skipping beats.

“Ryan,” Shane leans in so her breath is tickling Ryan’s ear, “Do you think you could come again for me? Can I eat you out?”

There’s a quiet desperation to Shane’s voice that makes Ryan groan and tighten her fingers where they’re still threaded through Shane’s hair, makes heat shoot through her body, “Yeah, yeah, but you don’t have to, I can-“

“I want to. I’ve wanted to for so long, Ry,” Shane’s maneuvering her, guiding her to lie back on her bed, and Ryan follows her lead, “Please let me,”

Ryan feels so intoxicated, partly from the wine earlier, but more so from Shane, and how she’s looking at her from where she’s now kneeling between Ryan’s legs. She’s licking her lips, and the desire on her face is so bare that it makes Ryan shiver. She nods, “Yeah, okay,”

Shane grins, a little self-satisfied, and leans over Ryan, arms bracketing her head. This time when their lips meet it’s hard, hungry, and Ryan arches into the kiss. Shane kisses down her neck, sucking and biting down her throat, her chest, her stomach. She her time when she gets to Ryan’s lower stomach and thighs, mouthing and nipping for what feels like an eternity. Shane’s driving her wild – she just came, but she’s dripping wet again, desperate for Shane to get her mouth on her already.

“Shane, you fucking tease,” Ryan breathes out, “Just fucking-“

She cuts herself off with a gasp that verges on being a scream as Shane finally leans in, hot mouth enveloping her. Shane eats her out so eagerly, so thoroughly, that even if she weren’t incredibly talented with her mouth, which she is, Ryan thinks it would still be the hottest thing that’s ever happened to her. And Shane looks so hot too, there between her legs, with pieces of her hair falling onto her forehead. She looks as wrecked as Ryan feels. She reaches down and grips Shane’s hand where it’s resting on the mattress by her hip, and Shane squeezes her hand as she hums a little. The pressure on her clit is so perfect, and she’s moaning desperately now, breathy and high, in tandem with the intense rhythm of Shane’s tongue.

When she comes it takes her by surprise, and it’s somehow even more intense than the last time, toes curling, whole body tensing. When she cracks her eyes open, Shane’s licking up the remaining slick, carefully avoiding her clit. Ryan tugs on Shane’s hand where they’re still entwined, and Shane comes up easily. Her mouth and chin are slick, intermingled saliva and come. She looks hesitant to kiss Ryan, but Ryan pulls her in, and the taste of herself in Shane’s mouth makes her face flush.

They kiss like that for a while, languid, slow, messy, and the way Shane’s panting into her mouth reminds Ryan that Shane hasn’t come yet. She trails her arms from around Shane’s neck down her chest, and she pinches a little at Shane’s nipples, making Shane moan.

Ryan revels in the little noises she can pull from Shane – when she nips at her neck, when she tugs at her hair, when she runs her nails down her back. Shane’s quieter than Ryan by a long shot, but the more worked up she gets the more it seems like she can’t hold back, and she’s letting out these little noises that Ryan wishes she could record and keep forever, because it’s so hot and so fucking _precious._ Especially the way the incoherent moans are interspersed with _Ryan, fuck, baby, please._ It’s a little addictive, and it strikes Ryan how similar it feels to making Shane laugh - that sudden, wheezing burst of laughter when Ryan’s really nailed a joke. In both cases the reactions go straight to Ryan’s head, make her feel a little dizzy and hot, intensely self satisfied.

Ryan’s desperately seeking more of those little noises when she travels down Shane’s body, mouths at her through her wet briefs.

“ _Fuck,_ ” the word is drawn out, accompanied by a low groan and Shane tipping her head back, eyes screwed shut. She finally pulls off Shane’s underwear, gets her mouth on her properly, and Shane’s fingers thread through her hair, not guiding or pushing her, just resting there, her short nails scratching against Ryan’s scalp.

Ryan knows she’s not as experienced as Shane, probably not nearly as talented, but Shane’s reactions dash any hesitancy Ryan might have been feeling.

“Fuck, sweetheart, your mouth feels so good,” the pet name makes Ryan’s heart stutter, and Shane’s voice is gravelly and low. She licks at Shane’s slit, trying to replicate what Shane did to her, and she must be a quick study because soon enough Shane is gasping, tightening her fingers minutely where they’re still tangled in Ryan’s hair. When she comes she’s silent, jaw clenched and legs shaking.

A second later Shane is sitting up and leaning over to kiss Ryan, soft and reverent. She pulls Ryan down, so they’re lying on her bed side by side, just looking at each other, and Shane pushes a piece of dark hair behind Ryan’s ear, thumb glancing her cheekbone.

She looks hesitant, and Ryan feels a pinch of awkwardness for the first time that night. When she goes to finally say something, break the silence, Shane does too, cutting each other off. They both laugh, and it comes off a little strained, a little tense.

“Sorry, sorry, you go ahead,” says Ryan, and Shane nods once and rolls onto her back, breaking their eye contact. Another half a minute of silence passes before Shane speaks.

“Is this…” Shane still sounds raspy and a little fucked out, but there’s an undertone of anxiety in her words, too. Ryan takes a second to wish that they could just lie there in their afterglow, and not overanalyze what just happened, but she thinks they’re both a little too analytical for that. And maybe they both have too much at stake in this – Ryan knows she does. Shane starts again, “Ryan, what is this to you? Because if this is just experimentation… If that’s what you want, that’s fine. We can do that. I just need to know,” she shifts, rolls back over so she’s facing Ryan again. Her eyes are a little glassy, and it makes Ryan’s heart catch in her throat, “Because I really, really like you. As more than just a friend,” Shane lets out a little bubble of laughter, raw and nervous, and Ryan realizes that Shane’s looking at her, waiting for her to respond.

“I’m bisexual,” Ryan blurts out – _nice one, you idiot,_ she thinks to herself, but Shane bursts out laughing, surprised and buoyant.

(Years down the road, Shane will still recall this line to anyone who’ll listen, in a perfect impression of her girlfriend - _and you know what she said then? She just blurted out, ‘I’m bisexual!’_ )

“And, uh, I’m a lesbian, pleased to meet you,” Shane holds her hand out between them, as if to shake, and Ryan smacks her hand out of the way, a smile spreading slowly on her face.

“You’re a fucking idiot, you know that? I just meant that this isn’t an experiment or whatever. I like you too, as more than a friend. I have since we met,” she clears her throat, steeling herself for this next part, “I think I’m kind of in love with you, actually.”

She had averted her eyes for that confession, nervously studying the patterns on her sheets, but she looks back up to gauge Shane’s response.

“We’re so stupid,” Her hand is covering her mouth, and her brown eyes are watery, threatening to spill over, but there’s still a laugh in her voice, “I’m kind of in love with you too, obviously.”

“Oh, thank fuck,” Ryan breathes, relieved. Ryan doesn’t know who leans in for this kiss, or if it’s both of them at the same time, but when their lips meet Ryan can taste salt, and she realizes she must have started crying without even realizing. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uh then they like are girlfriends and cohabit and adopt a dog and grow old together thanks!!!!!!!
> 
> literally i've never written femslash before and this is like... not super in character or anything! but i hope someone out there enjoys it.
> 
> anyway thanks for reading love u!


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